Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs/Transcript

Transcript
Pear: Hey, everyone, and welcome to story time. Orange will not be joining us today, cause he's busy playing with the drone he got for his birthday. So we'll be left in peaceful tranquility to read the story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Aw, come on! Great! Orange, your drone is interrupting story time.

Orange: Oh, sorry about that. I'm still learning the controls. Hmm. Let me try this button.

Pear: Wrong button.

Orange: Hmm. Maybe this button?

Pear: Definitely wrong button.

Orange: (laughs) Let me try this one.

Pear: Orange!

Orange: Whoa. That drone really busted out of here, huh? (laughs)

Pear: (frustrated groan)

Orange: Well, since I ruined story time, let me try to help. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, right?

Pear: Yes, but please do not try to help.

Orange: No, I totally know this one. I have it memorized, I swear.

Pear: (frustrated groan)

Orange: Once upon a time, there was a queen who had a magical mirror. And each morning, the queen would ask it, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's that there inside the wall?"

Pear: What?

Orange: And the mirror would be all, like, "Um, that's you, dude. You're the reflection."

Pear: No, wait.

Orange: And then the queen would get all embarrassed, 'cause she forgot that she was talking to a mirror. And then --

Pear: Okay, now stop.

Orange: Hammer Time! (sings "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer)

Pear: Orange! That's not what the queen said to her mirror. She asked it who the fairest person in all the land was, and the mirror told her it was Snow White.

Orange: Ohhh. That makes sense, 'cause this story's about Snow White, right?

Pear: Yes, and you would've known that if you hadn't called in a drone strike on our book.

Orange: Well, I did. The past is the past. Get over it, Pear.

Pear: (frustrated groan)

Orange: Anyway, everybody thought Snow White was the prettiest lady in the whole kingdom, but what they didn't know was that she was hiding a terrible secret. She wasn't really a woman. She was seven dwarves in a trench coat. (laughs)

Pear: What?

Orange: Yeah, and each of the dwarves had a really funny name. There was Sneezy, Sleepy, Gassy, Sassy, Flashy, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Comet, Cupid, Rudolph...

Pear: Orange, I think some of those are Santa's reindeer.

Orange: Right, but they were dwarf reindeer. Duh. Anyway, the rest of the dwarves were named Huey, Dewey, Louie, Chop Suey, Ronald McDonald, Grimace, Fry Guy...

Pear: Orange, those aren't the names of the dwarves!

Orange: What you talking about?

Pear: I mean, where's Doc? Where's Dopey?

Orange: Well, you didn't let me finish all seven. Duh.

Pear: You said way more than seven!

Orange: Also inside the trench coat was Doc, Dopey, Mopey, Moby Dick, Dick Tracy, Tracy Morgan, Morgan Freeman...

Pear: Now you're just listing celebrities!

Orange: Brad Pitt, Taylor Lautner, Dwarf-a the Explorer, and Pickle.

Pear: What?

Orange: The other dwarves were pretty sure Pickle wasn't actually a dwarf, but they were all too polite to tell him he was actually a pickle. (laughs)

Pear: Okay, that's enough!

Orange: They had some other dwarf friends, too, and their names were --

Pear: All right! Stop!

Orange: Collaborate and listen! Orange is back with my brand new invention! (laughs)

Pear: (frustrated groan) Orange, we are so off the rails right now! According to your story, the evil queen is too stupid to know how a mirror works, and Snow White is made of, like, a hundred dwarves in a trench coat!

Orange: That sounds like an awesome story! What happens next?

Pear: Nothing happens next! 'Cause that's not how the story goes!

Orange: Oh! Oh! I hope the story introduces more dwarves next!

Pear: We do not need more dwarves!!!

Orange: Like Donatello, Michelangelo, Raphael, Leonardo...

Pear: Those are Ninja Turtles!

Orange: Um, actually, they're artists of the European Renaissance, Pear. I'm surprised you didn't know that.

Pear: (frustrated groan)

Orange: (laughs)

Pear: All right, does this story have an ending or what? Because you've skipped everything important about the story of Snow White. The woodsman, the poison apple, the prince...

Orange: Now, don't worry, Pear. They're all inside the trench coat, too!

Pear: (frustrated groan) Fantastic.

Orange: Along with a whole bunch of TNT.

Pear: That is not how the story of Snow White goes!

Orange: Nope, but it sure is how it blows. (laughs)

Pear: ORANGE!!!